Joke of the day

[Pro]v[etheus]

Q. Why did the baker have smelly hands ?

A. Because he needed (kneaded) a poo.

[Pippa666]

lol I think thats really funny

[SK]

Shall i lock this now? :p

[Pro]v[etheus]

Get a sense of humour you miserable git and post a joke.

[SK]

I dont know any :(

[Pippa666]

Ok they say the old ones are the best .......

Q: Why can you never trust a woman?

A: How can you trust something that bleeds for five days and does not die?

[Pippa666]

A man fell asleep on the beach under the midday sun and suffered a severe sunburn to his legs. He was taken to the hospital. His skin had turned a bright red and was very painful and had started to blister. Anything that touched his legs caused agony. The doctor prescribed continued intravenous feedings of water and electrolytes, a mild sedative and Viagra. Rather astounded, the nurse inquired, "But what good will Viagra do him in that condition?"
The doctor replied, "It will keep the sheets off of his legs."

[SK]

:D

[[rD]Mr.Pink]

Purpled haired person joke....(dont wanna make fun of blondes)
3 people are running from the cops
One of them jumpes into a garbage can
the other one jumps into a dumpster
and the purple haired person jumps into a patoe sac
the cops walks by and hits the garbage can and the person goes woof woof
the cop walkes by the dumpster and hits it and the person goes meow meow
the cop walks by the purple haired person in the patatoe bag and hits it and she says patatoe patatoe :D

[Vorm]

************************************************** *****************

An Englishman an Irishman and a Scotsman were in a pub, talking
about their sons. My son was born on St George's Day," commented the
Englishman.
"So we obviously decided to call him George." "That's a real
coincidence,"
remarked the Scot. "My son was born on St Andrew's Day, so
obviously we decided to call him Andrew." "That's incredible, what a
coincidence,"
said the Irishman. Exactly the same thing happened with my son
Pancake."
************************************************** *****************

There's an Englishman, Irishman & Scotsman all talking
about their teenage daughters. The Englishman says " I was cleaning my
daughter's room the other day & I found a packet of cigarettes. I was really shocked
as I didn't even know she smokes". The
Scotsman says " That's nothing. I was cleaning my daughter's room
the other day when I came across a half full bottle of Vodka. I was
really shocked as I didn't even know she drank." With that the Irishman says
" Both of you have got nothing to worry about. I was cleaning my
daughter's room the other day when I found packet of condoms. I was really shocked.
I didn't even know she had a c0ck."
> > > > > >>>
************************************************** *****************

[SK]

lol

[Pippa666]

lol vy good

[C-X]

A Scotsman, an Irishman and a Chinese man are hired at a building site. The foreman points out a huge pile of sand and stack of cement sacks. And says to the Irishman,

"You're in charge of shovelling" To the Scotsman, "You're in charge of mixing" To the Chinese man, "And you're in charge of supplies."

The foreman then tells them "I have to go to the other side of the site, while I'm away make some concrete" The foreman returns a couple of hours later, the sand and cement are untouched. The foreman asks the Irishman "Why haven't you shoveled anything?"

The Irishman replies, "I couldn't get myself a shovel. You left the Chinese fella in charge of supplies, but I couldn't find him."

He says to the Scotsman, "Why didn't you do any mixing?"

The Scotsman replies, "I couldn't get a mixer. You left the Chinese chap in charge of supplies, but I couldn't find him." The foreman is really fed up and storms off towards the pile of sand and cement looking for the Chinese man. Just then, the Chinese man jumps out from behind the stack of cement and shouts

"SUPPLIES!"

[Vorm]

*groan*

[[rD]Mr.Pink]

Ha ha ha ha ha lololol.... i dont get it.....

[maso]

Now here is a bad joke

Once there was a green man who lived in a green house.
One day a lady asked for the green man to look after her cats.
He agreed and later that day went for a bath.
The doorbell rang the green man promptly exited the bath, wrapped a towel round himself and answered the door.
It was the lady. She noticed the green man's towel had fallen down
She screamed then ran over the road and was flattened by a car.

Well the moral of the story is .... never cross the road when the green man is flashing.

Ha ha ha ha ... cough (ahem) errrr sorry.

[[rD]Mr.Pink]

lol

[SK]

Heard that when I was a young one

[Pippa666]

Two guys were working at a sawmill one day when one of the guys got too close to the blade and cut off his arm. His buddy put the severed arm in a plastic bag and rushed it down to the hospital to get re-attached. The next day he goes to see his chum, and finds him playing tennis. "Incredible!, " says his friend. "Medical science is amazing."
Another month goes by and the same two guys are again at the sawmill working when the same guy gets too close to the spinning blade and this time his leg gets cut off. Again his buddy takes the leg, puts it in a plastic bag and takes it to the hospital to get re-attached. The next day, he goes down to see his chum and finds him outside playing football. "Incredible!, " says his friend. "Medical science is amazing!"

Well another month goes by and again the same two friends are at the mill cutting wood when suddenly the same guy bends down too close to the blade and off comes his head. Well his friend takes the head, puts it in a plastic bag, and heads to the hospital to get it re-attached. The next day he goes to see his friend but can't find him. He sees the doctor walking down the hall and says, "Doc, where is my friend? I brought him in yesterday." The doctor thinks for a minute and says, "Oh yeah, some idiot put his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated."

[SK]

Heh like that.

[SK]

You most likly wouldn't get this this one unless you live in the UK.

************************************************** **

Jordan and Peter Andre were in the jungle doing some naughty touching.

Jordan suddenly sat up as she heard a noise and said to Peter, "Is that Johnny Rotten"?

"I hope not" said Peter. "It's my last one."

[SK]

Stolen from another board :o

good: you have a vibrator
bad: you can't find it
worse: your daughter borrowed it

good: you still have access to your teen son's bedroom
bad: you find his pr0n stash
worse: you star in all his movies

good: you have an excellent parental relation with your kids
bad: they're very sexually active
worse: with each other

good: you and your husband have fun hobbies
bad: your husband's is being a transvestite
worse: he looks better than you

good: your son has "got religion"
bad: it's satanisme
worse: as the blood-offering

good: you have a wife
bad: she wants a divorce
worse: she's a lawyer

good: hot outdoor sex
bad: you get arrested
worse: by your husband

good: you sneak home for a quickie
bad: the mailman had the same idea
worse: the milkman was still there

good: you sneak home for a quickie
bad: your wife comes home unexpectedly
worse: the milkman was still there

good: you arrange for a stripper at a party
bad: it's your daughter
worse: the act involves your son

good: your boyfriend goes to a gym
bad: so he fits your clothes
worse: he looks better in them than you

good: your wife got you some pr0n
bad: your daughter stars in it
worse: with that nasty bloke from the office

good: your wife likes kinky sex
bad: with the neighbors
worse: all of them at once

[[rD]Mr.Pink]

King Arthur was going on a quest and asked Merlin to make a chastity belt for his wife while he was gone. Before Arthur left he went to see Merlin and the invention. The belt was perfect, made of steel and copper with gold platting except for one problem a huge hole in the obvious place. "Egad! this won't work" Yells Arthur. "Wait." says Merlin. He then jams his old wand into the hole and a blade comes down chopping the wand in half. "Good job Merlin. Please put it on the Queen before I go." Said Arthur and he set off on his quest. He was gone for 4 years and when he returned he called all his Knights out into the courtyard and asks them to drop their pants and as he expected all of them had dammage done to their penis. All except one that is named Henry. King Arthur called on Henry saying "You are my one true knight. Name anything in my kingdom and it is yours!" But alas young henry had no tongue to speak with.

[SK]

Heh like that :D

[C-X]

A husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston. After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue, and they decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road. When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350.

The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high.He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350 standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for the husband and wife to use.

"But we didn't use them", the man complains.
"Well, they are here, and you could have," explains the Manager.

He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says. "But we didn't go to any of those shows," complains the man again.

"Well, we have them, and you could have", the Manager replies.
No matter what facility the Manager mentions, the man replies, "But we didn't use it!"

The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay.
He writes a check and gives it to the Manager. The check and gives it to the Manager. The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check.
"But sir," he says, "this check is only made out for $100."

"That's right," says the man. "I charged you $250 for sleeping with my wife."

"But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager.

"Well," the man replies, "she was here, and you could have."

[SK]

Heh thats great!

[C-X]

Ok.. One more :D

BTW.. You probably have to be British to understand this one;

A priest goes into a pub to avoid the rain and spies a member of his congregation in there looking miserably in to his pint. "What’s wrong, Bob?" asks the kindly man of God. "It's my grandfather," replies Bob. "He's just died." "Well, did you not try to take him to Lourdes and get him cured?" "We had a whip-round in the pub and I went with him, but we had only been there an hour when he died," answered Bob. "Well," comforts the Priest. "Sometimes the Lord moves in mysterious ways." "I think it was more likely to be the speed of the cricket ball that hit him in the head."

[Pippa666]

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!”

The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!”
The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you.”

[Pippa666]

A cute little old lady goes to the doctor and says,

"Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. It never smells and is always silent. As a matter of fact I've farted at least 10 times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was farting because it doesn't smell and is silent."

The doctor says,

"I see. Take these pills and come back to see me next week".

The next week the lady returns.

"Doctor," she says, "I don't know what the heck you gave me, but now my farts, although still silent, stink terribly".

"Good," the doctor said. "Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing."

[SK]

Hehe

[Pippa666]

A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs.
The guy says out loud, "I wonder what happened to this parrot?" The parrot says, "I was born this way, I'm a defective parrot." "Good Grief!" the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered me." "I got every word," says the parrot. "I happen to be a highly intelligent, thoroughly educated bird." "Oh yeah," the guy says. "Then answer this, how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?" "Well," the parrot says. "This is very embarrassing but since you asked I'll tell you. I wrap my Willie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers." "Wow," says the guy.
"You really can understand and speak
English, can't you?" "Actually, I speak both Spanish and English and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion,
sport, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at Greek mythology.
You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion." The guy looks at the $200 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't afford that." "Pssssst," says the parrot. "I'm defective. So the truth is nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You'll probably get me for $20, just make the guy an offer." The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot.
Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humour, he' interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathises
and is insightful. The guy is delighted.
One day the guy comes home from work and parrot goes, "Pssssst," and
motions him over with one wing. "I don't know if I should tell you this
or not, but it is about your wife and the postman." "What are you talking about?" asks the guy. "When the postman delivered today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black negligee and kissed him passionately." "WHAT????" the guy shouts. "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?" "Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her negligee, kissing and petting her all over," reported the parrot. "NO!" he exclaims. "THEN WHAT?" "He got down on his knees and continued to kiss her all over, starting
with her breasts and slowly going down." "WELL," demands the frantic guy. "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?" "Buggered if I know," replied the parrot, "I got a hard-on and fell off my perch.

[[rD]Mr.Pink]

HA HA HA LOL

[C-X]

Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names. But one day I turned to my bullies and said 'Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me', and it worked! From there on it was sticks and stones all the way.

My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.

Have you heard about the Irishman who reversed into a car boot sale and sold the engine?

I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming.

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.

[C-X]

A blonde woman asks her husband, "How long should a chicken last in the freezer?"

"About three months", her husband replies.

"Strange, I only put it in there last night and it's dead already."

[Pro]v[etheus]

A blonde joke

A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some rectum
deodorant. The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman they
don't sell rectum deodorant, and never have.

Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the
stuff from this store on a regular basis and would like some more. "I'm
sorry", says the pharmacist, "we don't have any."

"But I always buy it here," says the blonde.
"Do you have the container that it came in?" asks the pharmacist. "YES",
said the blonde, "I'll go home and get it."

She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at
it and says to her, "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant".
Annoyed, the blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the
container......

"TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM!!!"

[Pippa666]

lol very good :D

[Blind Man]

ok im too lazy to read all the jokes but heres mine...ok

what do u do with a musicain who cant play his instrument?
give him 2 sticks and make him a drummer

what do ya do if he cant play the drums?
take away one of his sticks and make him a conducter

lol

[Pippa666]

One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the
local church. "Reverend," she said, "I have a problem, my
husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very
embarrassing. What should I do?"

"I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you.
I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will
motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a
good poke in the leg."

In church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off. Noticing
this, the preacher put his plan to work. "And who made the
ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones.

"Jesus!", Jones cried as his wife jabbed him the leg with the
hatpin.

"Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones," said the minister. Soon, Mr.
Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. "Who is
your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards
Mrs. Jones.

"God!" Mr. Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin.

"Right again," said the minister, smiling. Before long, Mr.
Jones again nodded off. However, this time the minister did not
notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few
motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet her
husband with the hatpin again.

The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore
him his 99th son?"

Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled, "You stick that
goddamned thing in me one more time and I'll break it in half
and shove it up your ass!"

"Amen," replied the congregation.

[Pippa666]

A man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket , and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy working on that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy ask him manager about the matter. Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager: "Some idiot wants to buy half a head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added: "And this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."
The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way. Later the manager said to the boy: "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?" "Texas, sir" the boy replied. "Well why did you leave Texas?" the manager asked. The boy said: "Sir, there's nothing but whores and football players down there." "Really?" said the manager. "My wife is from Texas." "Now way!" replied the boy. "Who'd she play for?"

[C-X]

Late one night a drunk guy is showing some friends around his brand new apartment. The last stop is the bedroom, where a big brass gong sits next to the bed.

"What's that gong for?" the friend asks him.

"It's not a gong," the drunk replies. "It's a talking clock."

"How does it work?"

The guys picks up a hammer, gives the gong an ear-shattering pound, and steps back.

Suddenly, someone on the otherside of the wall screams, "For God's sake, you a***hole...it's 3:30 in the god damn morning!"

[Pro]v[etheus]

lol nice

[Pippa666]

Mouse Balls

Mouse balls are now availabe as FRU. Therefore, if a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement. Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel. Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by exmining the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls. Ball removal procedures differ depending upon manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop-off method. Domestic balls are replaced using the twist-off method. Mouse balls are not usually static sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge. Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately. It is recommended that each replacer have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction, and that any customer missing his balls should suspect local personnel of removing these necessary items.

[Pippa666]

A woman walks into a Ferrari dealership. She browses around, then spots the car of her dreams and walks over to inspect it. As she bends to feel the fine leather upholstery, a small fart escapes her. Extremely embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and hopes a sales person doesn't pop up right now. But, as she turns back, there standing next to her, is a salesman. " Good day, Madame, how may we help you today?" Very uncomfortably, she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle? He answers, "Madame, I'm afraid I can't say.... If you farted just touching it ... you're going to **** yourself when you hear the price."

[Pro]v[etheus]

lmfao, liked that one Pip :D

P.S. now i understand you more

[Naigel]

RoFL :D ! ! !

[Pippa666]

French President Jaques Chirac, tired of all of the anti-french jokes, since the start of the invasion of Iraq, has announced with great national pride that the super secret French Space Agency will send the first manned mission of three French astronauts to land, and walk on the Sun. President Chirac stated " This mission will be of historic importance to the world, and restore France's rightful place in the history of the world" NASSA space scientist's, stunned at the news, asked Mr. Chirca what technology they had developed to keep the astronauts from burning up long before they reached the Sun? The French President sniffed and replied " Don't be stupid, we are going at night".

[Naigel]

Rofl!!!

[Destroyer]

i agree stupif french :p

[Pro]v[etheus]

Ireland's worst air disaster occurred today when a
small 2-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery this afternoon in
central Ireland. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered
826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging
continues into the night.

[Pippa666]

lol vy good

[Destroyer]

woot

[Vorm]

A woman was in a coma, she had been in it for months.

Nurses were in her room giving her a bed bath. One of them was
washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on
the monitor when she touched her. They tried it again and sure enough
there was a small, recognizable movement.

They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him,
"crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and
bring her out of the coma." The husband was sceptical, but they assured him that
they'd close the curtains for privacy. The husband finally agreed and
went into his wife's room.

After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no
Heart rate. The nurses ran into the room. "What happened?" they cried.
The husband said, "I'm not sure, maybe she choked."

[SK]

ahah :D

[Pippa666]

Lol :rofl:

[Vorm]

Pierre grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's Lips.
"What are you doing, Pierre?" says the startled Marie.
"I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I have red wine!"

She smiles and they start kissing. Things began to heat up a little and Marie says, "Pierre, kiss me lower."
Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and pours it on her breasts.
"Pierre! What are you doing now?" asks the bewildered Marie.
"I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I have white wine!"

She giggles and they resume their passionate interlude, and things really steam up. Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, Pierre, kiss me much lower!"

Pierre rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it on her lap. He then strikes a match and lights the cognac on fire. Marie shrieks and dives into the River Seine. Standing waist deep, Marie throws her arms into the air and screams furiously, "PIERRE, WHAT THE F. ..... DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING?"

Our hero stands and says defiantly, "I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! If I go down, I go down in flames!"

[Destroyer]

ROFL

[Raging Wulf]

Ahahaha, good one Vorm!

[Yaesu]

Two men are walking through a graveyard with their dogs.
One man turns to the other and says: "Morning."
The other man replies: "No, just walking the dog."

boom! boom!

Y

[SK]

LOL! I dont get it!

[SaMmY]

how can u not get that SK ;) its simple
in a cemetary people mourn the dead and the bloke asaid morning and the other person thought he asked if he was mourning!!

Trev it aint that funny tho.......sorry

[SK]

Oh, suppose its one of them ones where you cant read it, it needs to be said :)

[SaMmY]

yeah its not a vry good joke tho really

[Yaesu]

well i liked it, its akin to my sort of sence of humour........

Y

[Pippa666]

:rofl:

[Yaesu]

see, Pippa liked it! :jumping:

Y

[Pippa666]

The joke wasnt bad, but tbh I was laughing at Sammy :lol:

[Yaesu]

everyone laughs at Sammy!

Y

[SaMmY]

no sorry uve got that mistaken for every1 laughing at u !! :)

[Destroyer]

i dont care who i laugh at...

[Pippa666]

As long as ppl do laugh thats the main thing :)

[SaMmY]

I agree with my mum on that one

[Yaesu]

I agree with my mum on that one

nice to see you agree on something lol, now see if you can agree on your bedtime :D

Y

[Destroyer]

lol

[SaMmY]

shame i havent actually got a bed time! But even if i did i wouldnt care at least it shows people care.

[Yaesu]

well you should have a bedtime young lady, i suggest 9pm.......all good girls are in bed by 9!

Y

[SaMmY]

Well ur a little girl so 9 seems fine for u then hey :rolleyes: As u seem to suggest the times u shud abide by ur times!!!!

[Destroyer]

sammy tip.. if they bug u to go to bed try and find something to do and look interested in it ;)

[SaMmY]

sammy tip.. if they bug u to go to bed try and find something to do and look interested in it ;)

More like if he (Yaeus) bugs me which is does! All men bug women no offence like but u guys do. ;)

[Vorm]

Tssk!

[SK]

A guy with a black eye boards his plane and sits down in his seat. He notices immediately that the guy next to him has a black eye, too.
He says to him, "Hey this is a coincidence, we both have black eyes; mind if I ask how you got yours?" The other guy says, "Well, it just happened. It was a tongue twister accident. See, I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde with the most massive breasts in the world was there. So, instead of saying, 'I'd like two tickets to Pittsburgh,' I accidentally said, 'I'd like two pickets to Tittsburgh'........... So she socked me a good one."
The first guy replied, "Wow! This is unbelievable. Mine was a tongue twister too. I was at the breakfast table this morning and I wanted to say to my wife, 'Please pour me a bowl of Frosties, honey.' But I accidentally said, 'you ruined my life you evil fat slag'.

[Pippa666]

A fifth grade teacher is told she must teach sex education to her class. She decides to use a math technique to teach the subject, and thinks flash cards will work well.

The next day in class, she holds up the first flash card, a picture of a breast, and asked "Does anyone know what this is?" Little Suzie responds-"I know, I know! It's a picture of a breast and my mommy has two of them!" The teacher says "very good Suzie, you get a star for the exercise"

The teacher grabs the next card and holds it up. It's a picture of a penis. She asks "Does anyone know what this is?" and little Tommy says, "I know I know! It a penis and my daddy has two of them!!!" The teacher says "well Tommy, It is a penis but your daddy can't have two of them."

Tommy says, "sure he does, he's got a little one he pees out of and a great big one he brushes mommy's teeth with!"

[Pippa666]

A man is in bed with his wife when there is a knock at the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's 3:30 in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over.

Then a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife. So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is a man standing on the porch. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.

"Hi there," slurs the stranger. "Can you give me a push??"

"No, get lost! It's half past three. I was in bed," says the man and he slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says, "That wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the babysitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?"

"But the guy was drunk," says the husband. "It doesn't matter," says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him."

So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the front door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push?" And he hears a voice cry out, "Yeah, please." So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?"

And the drunk replies, "Over here, on the swing."

[Naigel]

A man sits in the kitchen having his breakfast... all of a sudden his wife hits him on the head with a cooking pan.
The husband asks: "What was that for?!"
The wife replies: "For that note in your pocket with the name Marylou on it"
"But honey, that's the name of the horse I bet for just a week ago"
The wife sees she made a mistake and she makes up with her husband. Next morning the wife hits the man again with an even bigger cooking pan.
The husband again asks: "What was that for?!?"
The wife replies: "Your horse called!"

Got it out of a magazine, just translated what I could remember :p !

[Jon]

"Your Ulgy And Thats No Joke :P"


made it up just now

[Pro]v[etheus]

A man walks up to a woman in his office each day,
stands very close to her, draws in a large breath of
air and tells her that her hair smells nice.
After a week of this, she can't stand it any longer,
and goes to Human Resources.
Without identifying the guy, she tells them what the
co-worker does, and that she wants to file a sexual
harassment suit against him.
The HR supervisor is puzzled by this approach and asks,
"What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling
you your hair smells nice?"
The woman replies, "It's Keith, the midget."

[Vorm]

Mwwaaahahahaha!

[TeleProd]

bench

[Pippa666]

Lol vy good joke

[Miz]

A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday, and as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note : romantic, but not too personal.

Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to Nordstorm and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself. During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents, the young man sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart with the note :

"I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears short ones that are easier to remove.These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart. I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again.

When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night. All my Love"

"PS The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing."

[Miz]

Two blokes are on their lunch break.

"The boss takes an hour and half for lunch, while we only get half an hour. I wish I had an extra 15 minutes, then I could have lunch at home," says one.

"Go on then," says the other. "The boss will never know."

So the next day, the first bloke sneaks home.
He hears noises coming from the bedroom. Peering in, he sees his wife having sex with his boss.
He rushes off back to work.

His mate asks,
"How was it? Going home for lunch tomorrow, then?"

"No way," says the first bloke. "I almost got caught today."

[SK]

Found this on another forum. I actually quite liked it...

True story, I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else. One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me." I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards my car. My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.






"The moral of this story is:"

"Always keep your condoms in your car."

[Pippa666]

Two newlyweds went on their honeymoon and were getting undressed together for the first time. He took off his shoes and socks and his toes were all twisted and discolored. "What happened to you feet?" his wife asked. "I had a childhood disease called tolio." "Don't you mean polio?" "No, tolio, it only affects the toes." He then removed his pants and revealed an awful looking pair of knees. "What happened to your knees?" she asked. "Well, I also had kneesles." "Don't you mean measles?" "No, kneesles, it only affects the knees." When he removed his shorts his wife gasped and said... "Don't tell me, you also had smallcox!"

[Jon]

The Joke isnt on the screen. Its in your pants.

[Oreo]

A golfer was way behind in the championship game when he hit his ball into the rough. Bending to retreive it, he came face to face with a leprechaun.

"Want some help with your game?" the leprechaun asked.
"That would be great!"
"Okay," said the leprechaun. "But for every time I help you, you'll lose one year of your sex life."
The golfer agreed and won the game.

Getting into his car later, he found the leprechaun sitting on his dashboard with a pad and pencil.
"I helped you ten times," the leprechaun said. "That's ten years. Now, what's your name?"
"Father O'Malley."

[Vorm]

A man goes to the Doctors. The Doctor asks him whats wrong. The man says.
" Every time I touch my leg it talks" The Doctor totally bemused asks the
man to go behind the screen and remove his trousers.
"Well " says the Doctor, "make it talk"
"Touch my ankle" says the man, and the Doctor does so.
"Lend us a tenner" says the leg. The Doctor is surprised.
"Now touch my knee" says the man. The Doctor does so.
"Lend us a tenner" says the leg. The Doctor is even more surprised.
"Now touch my thigh" says the man. The Doctor does this and the legs speaks
again
"Lend us a tenner".
The Doctor tells the man to put his trousers back on.
"Well, what's wrong with me?" asks the man
"I'm sorry to tell you, but your leg is broke in three places"

[SK]

:cry:

[Yaesu]

BOOM! BOOM!

Y

[Cessle]

sorry but that is kinda not funny anymore























CAN I GET A TAXI FOR ONE!!!!!! :):):):):)

[Vorm]

monastery full of the brotherhood of monks where they all live in complete
silence except for a window of speech opportunity which is allowed by the
scriptures for just a brief time EVERY FIVE YEARS!
after the five year gap has passed the brotherhood all congregate in the
main hall and the head monks looks at the clock as it strikes 12pm and
says...

"brothers the brief window of time has come so if anyone has anything they
wish to say, say it now or forever hold their words"

a monk at the back puts up his hand,
yes my brother..what say you...says the head monk

"father, the soup we eat every day but with one piece of bread tastes too
salty to me"
very well says the head monk we shall add less salt"
another monk puts up his hand but the head monk gestures to keep his mouth
closed and points at the clock as the time to speak has now past....
'
'
'
5 years pass by and once again the monks gather in the main hall and the
head monk looking older now looks at the clock and as it strikes 12pm
exactly says

"brothers the brief window of time has come so if anyone has anything they
wish to say, say it now or forever hold their words"

another monks puts up his hand...
"yes my son what say you?"
father the soup we eat every day tastes horrid now that the salt is taken
out so much"
"very well my son, we shall put it back in" says the head monk.
another monk further down raises his hand but once again the head monk
gestures silence and points to the clock...they all silently shuffle out of
the hall....
'
'
'
'
5 more years later passes and once again the monks gather in the main hall,
the head monk now looking much older stands and says..
"brothers the brief window of time has come so if anyone has anything they
wish to say, say it now or forever hold their words"

a monk raises his hand..
"yes my son what say you?"

" i want to leave" says the monk..." but why?" asks the head monk

"cos im sick of all the arguing" he replies

[Cessle]

lol


& vorm is fortress the hl2 vertion of tfc for hl1

[Vorm]

Click on the sig and go see.

But the short answer would be.......Yes!

[Cessle]

looks good, recognise some of theold maps as well as some new ones

like the look of it, can't wait for it to be realeased :D:D:D:D and wen it is can we get a server with it running on SK!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?one

[SK]

Stolen from another forum...

Junior asks his dad,"Daddy,how was I born?"
His dad sighs and replies, "Ah,my son, I guess one day you would have to find out anyway! Well,you see, your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on MSN.

Then I set up a date via e-mail with your mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, but it was too late to hit the delete button.

Six weeks later your mom sent me an instant message saying that her operating system was showing signs of unauthorized program activity from a self extracting
file which had implanted itself in her BIOS.

Then nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared and said: "You've Got Male!"

[Cessle]

oh my god that is really bad


and u cud of atleast changed it in to English UK not english US!!!! SK as not all of use speak foreign english

[SK]

SK as not all of use speak foreign english

Quite

[TheDevil]

Cessle BEFORE you say i emailed it you - well done i did, but its too funny NOT to share :)

Mr. Cadbury and Ms Rowntree met on a coach journey.
It was After Eight. She was from Quality Street; he was a Fisherman's Friend. On the way they stopped at a Yorkie Bar, he had a Rum & Butter and she had a Wine Gum.

He asked her name. "Polo, I'm the one with the hole", she said. "I'm the one with the Nuts", he thought. Then he touched her Milky Way. They checked in and went straight to the bedroom. Mr Cadbury turned out the light for a bit of Black Magic.

It wasn't long before he slipped his hand into her Snickers and felt the contrast of her Double Decker. Then he showed her his Curly Wurly. Ms Rowntree wasn't keen to have any more Jelly Babies, so she let him take a trip down Bourneville Boulevard. He
was pleased as he always fancied a bit of Fudge.

It was a Magic Moment as she let out a scream of Turkish Delight. When he came out his Fun Sized Mars Bar felt a bit Crunchie. She wanted more but he decided to take Time Out. However, he noticed her Pink Wafers looked very appetising...So he did a
Twirl, had a Picnic in her Sherbert and gave her a Gob Stopper.

Unfortunately Mr Cadbury then had to go home to his wife, Caramel. Sadly, he was soon to discover he had caught V.D.
It turns out Ms Rowntree had been with All Sorts.

[SK]

Very good :D

[Cessle]

i as thinking of adding it but i had to go to lidl with my mum to get my case of Stella :D

[Yaesu]

President Chirac has officially raised the French terror alert from "Run" to "Hide". There are only two higher alert levels in France, which are "Surrender" and "Collaborate". The rise was precipitated by a recent fire which destroyed France's white flag factory - effectively crippling their military.

:D

Y

[Cessle]

lol

[Pro]v[etheus]

President Chirac has officially raised the French terror alert from "Run" to "Hide". There are only two higher alert levels in France, which are "Surrender" and "Collaborate". The rise was precipitated by a recent fire which destroyed France's white flag factory - effectively crippling their military.

:D

Y
LMAO, now that's funny :D

[Cessle]

What yo do is send a blind man into a round room


and tell him there is a £50 note in the corner :lol:

[Pippa666]

Read this on another forum and thought it was funny so copy and paste job :)

GRAHAM was ordered by his doctor to lose 75 lbs. due to very serious health risks. As he wondered how in the heck he would ever do it, he ran across an ad in the newspaper for a GUARANTEED WEIGHT LOSS PROGRAM.

"Guaranteed. Yeah right!" he thought to himself, but desperate, he calls them up and subscribes to the 3-day/10 pound weight loss program.

The next day there's a knock at his door, and when he answers, there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old young lady dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign round her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.

The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me!" Without a second thought he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her.

After they are through and she leaves, he thinks to himself, "I like the way this company does business!" The same girl shows up for the next two days and the same thing happens. On the fourth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10lb as promised. He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program.

The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life, wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me, you can have me."

He's out the door and after her like a shot. This girl is in Excellent Shape and it takes him a while to catch her, but when he does, it is worth every cramp and wheeze. For the next four days, the same routine happens.

Much to his delight, on the fifth day, he weighs himself and found he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised.

He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 Pound program. "Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program."

"Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years".

The next day there's a knock at the door and when he opens it he finds a muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink Running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, you're mine!"

[SK]

Lol

[Cessle]

excellent work pippa :lol: :D

[TheDevil]

Well done Pippa :)

[Miz]

A train hits a bus load of nuns and they all perish. They are all in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates past St.Peter. He asks the first nun Sister Karen, "have you ever had any contact with a penis?"

The nun giggles and replies, "Well, once I touched the head of one with the tip of my finger." St Peter says "Ok, dip the tip of your finger in the holy water and pass through the gate."

St Peter asks the next nun the same question, "Sister Elizabeth have you ever had any contact with a penis?"

The nun is a little reluctant but replies, "Well I once fondled and stroked one."

St Peter says, "Ok dip your hand in the holy water and pass through the gate."

All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of nuns. One nun is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front of the line St Peter says "Sister, Sister what seems to be the rush???"

The nun reply is "If I'm going to have to gargle that holy water, I want to go before Sister Mary sticks her ass in it!!!"

[Cessle]

lol

[Pippa666]

lol very funny

[Jon]

A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years.

He breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to achair.

While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: "Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in prison and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain.....do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!"

His wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you'! re cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey......



I love you, too!"

[SK]

Hehe, like that.

[BadGirlDefender]

xD

nearly ****ed myself laughing :D

[Pippa666]

lol very good

[Cessle]

good :)

[TheDevil]

Well Done :)

[Vorm]

A bloke is in a queue at the Super Market when he notices
that the rather dishy blonde behind him has just raised her hand and
smiled hello to him.

He is rather taken aback that such a looker would be waving to him,
And although familiar he can't place where he might know her from, so
he says "Sorry, do you know me?"

She replies "I maybe mistaken, but I thought you might be the father
of one of my children!"

His mind shoots back to the one and only time he has been unfaithful,
"Christ!" he says "are you that stripogram on my stag night that I
shagged on the snooker table in front of all my mates whilst your mate
whipped me with some wet celery and stuck a cucumber up my arse?"

"No" she replies, "I'm your son's English Teacher"

[Jon]

LMAO!!! that was funny nice 1 :D :p

[Pippa666]

Lol very funny :lol:

[BadGirlDefender]

excellent xD

well, as it seems rude jokes are allowed, heres one ive known since i was about 4 :p


A guy walks into a bar, sits down, and orders 10 shots of vodka.

The barman asks, "So, 10 shots eh? Something up with you?"

The guy slugs down his shots, and just says "I found out my youngest son is gay", pays and walks out.


A week later, the guy walks back in, orders 20 shots of vodka, and sits down again.

"So, what happened now then?"

The guy slugs down his shots, and just says "I found out my eldest son is gay", pays and walks out again.


A month later, the guy walks in, buys 40 shots of vodka, and sits down.

The barkeep shakes his head, looks at the man, and asks "Doesn't anyone in your house like pussy?"

The guy tosses back a shot, and replies "...Yeah, my wife..."

[Cessle]

i am confuesed by this bit

"Doesn't anyone in your house like pussy?"

"...Yeah, my wife..."


But LOL anyway

[Vorm]

i am confuesed by this bit


:confused:

:rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl:

[Jon]

:rofl: :lol: gd 1

[BadGirlDefender]

cessle, think it through :p

btw, love the spelling :rofl:

[TheDevil]

A little girl asked her mum, "Mum, can I take the dog for a walk?"
Mum replies, "No, because she is in heat."
"What's that mean?" asked the child.
"Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage."
The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, can I take Fluffy
for a walk? I asked Mum, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come
to you."

Dad said, "Bring Fluffy over here."

He took a rag, soaked it with petrol, and scrubbed the dog's backside
with it and said, "Okay, you can go now, but keep Fluffy on the leash
and only go once around the estate."

The little girl left, and returned a few minutes later with no dog on
the leash.

Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Fluffy?









The little girl said, "She ran out of petrol about halfway around the
estate, so another dog is pushing her home."

[Cessle]

lol

[maDDin]

... lol

[Yaesu]

A local chemist was robbed yesterday, but all that was taken was a large bottle of viagra.

Police are now looking out for a bunch of hardend criminals.

Boom! Boom!

Y

[Cessle]

stick to the day job yaesu and for once i get the joke :p

[Myrex]

lol!!!!!11 one one

[BadGirlDefender]

true basil brush style, eh? ;)

[Yaesu]

Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing on the Iraq war. He concludes by saying, "Yesterday, three Brazilian soldiers were killed."

"Oh no!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!"

His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands.

Finally, the President looks up and asks, "How many is a brazillion?"

Y

[Cessle]

there is a worrying paten emerging here taesu O_o you seem to be posting all the jokes :p


but very good :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

[Vorm]

MUSLIM BIRTHDAY PARTY: I went to one of these last night and what an eye opener. Must say I have never seen pass the parcel being played so fast in my entire life.

[SK]

I had that one on a text message.

[BadGirlDefender]

from a 84***/80*** number? my guitar teacher got one yesterday. its a joke service which will take huge amounts of cash from u if u reply etc, so b careful :p

[Cessle]

hmmm i never sigh up for dodgy services ;)

[BadGirlDefender]

but so many peeps will reply asking who it is, or how to get more jokes etc, and pay 2.50 for the text :p

[Pippa666]

20 things you shouldnt say to a naked guy ;)

1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.
2. You know they have surgery to fix that.
3. It's ok, we'll work around it.
4. Can I be honest with you?
5. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.
6. Thanks, I needed a toothpick.
7. I didn't know they came that small.
8. But it still works, right?
9. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
10. Are you cold?
11. Is that an optical illusion?
12. Where's the rest of it?
13. Does it come with an air pump?
14. Maybe it looks better in natural light.
15. I didn't know they came that small.
16. Let me go get my tweezers.
17. It's more fun to look at.
18. Why don't we just cuddle?
19. Are you one of those pygmies?
20. What is that?

[Pro]v[etheus]

1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.


Yaesus wife said that to him on their wedding night :D

[Yaesu]

20 things you shouldnt say to a naked guy ;)

2. You know they have surgery to fix that.

quote from one of the pretty nurses said during his recent hospital stay :D

Y

[Cessle]

7. I didn't know they came that small.

15. I didn't know they came that small.



OWNED! :p

[Pippa666]

picky :p

[Cessle]

:p


you need to edit it to say 19 things not to say to naked men

[Pippa666]

lol it can stay as it is, doesnt really matter that much

[BadGirlDefender]

funny, lvoed em :D

ps, r pics allowed to be the joke of the day?

[Yaesu]

we could post a pic of Proms, that would anybody laugh! :D

Y

[Pippa666]

r pics allowed to be the joke of the day?
Of course they can, just bare in mind a lot of younger ppl use the forum so nothing too ott pls :)

[Yaesu]

yes mum :D

Y

[Yaesu]

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and havedinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, thegirl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she wouldlike to go out and make love for the first time. Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, sohe takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. Thepharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boyeverything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condomshe'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boyinsists on the family pack because he thinks he will be ratherbusy, it being his first time and all. That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house andmeets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you tomeet my parents, come on in!" The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where thegirl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say graceand bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with hishead down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriendleans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea youwere this religious." The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father wasa pharmacist."

lol

Y

[Yaesu]

This has to be done:

Sheila, the Aussie housewife got out of the shower and slipped over on the bathroom floor. Instead of slipping over forwards or backwards, she slipped, did the splits and suctioned herself to the floor.

She yelled out for her husband Bruce. "Bruce, Bruce" she yelled. Bruce came running in. "Bruce, I've bloody suctioned myself to the floor" she said. "Strewth" Bruce said and tried to pull her up. "You're stuck fast girl. I'll go across the road and get Cobba" (his mate).

They came back and they both tried to pull her up. "No way. We can't do it, let's try Plan B." Cobba said "Plan B?" exclaimed Bruce. "What's that"?

"I'll go home and get my hammer and chisel and we can break the tiles under her and release the vacuum." replied Cobba

"Spot on" Bruce said. "While you're doing that, I'll stay here and play with her boobs."

"Play with her boobs"? Cobba said, "Not exactly a good time for that mate?"

"No" Bruce replied, "But I reckon if I can get her wet enough, we can Slide her into the kitchen where the tiles aren't so expensive".

Y

[BadGirlDefender]

xD excellent :D

let me get the pictures hosted in a batch, and ill post em in groups. no graphic content, but general naughtiness allowed, i take it?

[SK]

As long as its not too obscene :)

[BadGirlDefender]

hmm, for starters, WWII in leet :)

*Hitler[AoE] has joined the game.*
*Eisenhower has joined the game.*
*paTTon has joined the game.*
*Churchill has joined the game.*
*benny-tow has joined the game.*
*T0J0 has joined the game.*
*Roosevelt has joined the game.*
*Stalin has joined the game.*
*deGaulle has joined the game.*
Roosevelt: hey sup
T0J0: y0
Stalin: hi
Churchill: hi
Hitler[AoE]: cool, i start with panzer tanks!
paTTon: lol more like panzy tanks
T0JO: lol
Roosevelt: o this fockin sucks i got a depression!
benny-tow: haha america sux
Stalin: hey hitler you dont fight me i dont fight u, cool?
Hitler[AoE]; sure whatever
Stalin: cool
deGaulle: **** Hitler rushed some1 help
Hitler[AoE]: lol byebye frenchy
Roosevelt: i dont got **** to help, sry
Churchill: wtf the luftwaffle is attacking me
Roosevelt: get antiair guns
Churchill: i cant afford them
benny-tow: u n00bs know what team talk is?
paTTon: stfu
Roosevelt: o yah hit the navajo button guys
deGaulle: eisenhower ur worthless come help me quick
Eisenhower: i cant do **** til rosevelt gives me an army
paTTon: yah hurry the fock up
Churchill: d00d im gettin pounded
deGaulle: this is fockin weak u guys suck
*deGaulle has left the game.*
Roosevelt: im gonna attack the axis k?
benny-tow: with what? ur wheelchair?
benny-tow: lol did u mess up ur legs AND ur head?
Hitler[AoE]: ROFLMAO
T0J0: lol o no america im comin 4 u
Roosevelt: wtf! thats bullsh1t u fags im gunna kick ur asses
T0JO: not without ur harbors u wont! lol
Roosevelt: u little biotch ill get u
Hitler[AoE]: wtf
Hitler[AoE]: america hax, u had depression and now u got a huge fockin army
Hitler[AoE]: thats bullsh1t u hacker
Churchill: lol no more france for u hitler
Hitler[AoE]: tojo help me!
T0J0: wtf u want me to do, im on the other side of the world retard
Hitler[AoE]: fine ill clear you a path
Stalin: WTF u arsshoel! WE HAD A FoCKIN TRUCE
Hitler[AoE]: i changed my mind lol
benny-tow: haha
benny-tow: hey ur losing ur guys in africa im gonna need help in italy soon sum1
T0J0: o **** i cant help u i got my hands full
Hitler[AoE]: im 2 busy 2 help
Roosevelt: yah thats right ***** im comin for ya
Stalin: church help me
Churchill: like u helped me before? sure ill just sit here
Stalin: dont be an arss
Churchill: dont be a commie. oops too late
Eisenhower: LOL
benny-tow: hahahh oh sh1t help
Hitler: o man ur focked
paTTon: oh what now biotch
Roosevelt: whos the cripple now lol
*benny-tow has been eliminated.*
benny-tow: lame
Roosevelt: gj patton
paTTon: thnx
Hitler[AoE]: WTF eisenhower hax hes killing all my sh1t
Hitler[AoE]: quit u hacker so u dont ruin my record
Eisenhower: Nuts!
benny~tow: wtf that mean?
Eisenhower: meant to say nutsack lol finger slipped
paTTon: coming to get u hitler u paper hanging hun cocksocker
Stalin: rofl
T0J0: HAHAHHAA
Hitler[AoE]: u guys are fockin gay
Hitler[AoE]: ur never getting in my city
*Hitler[AoE] has been eliminated.*
benny~tow: OMG u noob you killed yourself
Eisenhower: ROFLOLOLOL
Stalin: OMG LMAO!
Hitler[AoE]: WTF i didnt click there omg this game blows
*Hitler[AoE] has left the game*
paTTon: hahahhah
T0J0: WTF my teammates are n00bs
benny~tow: shut up noob
Roosevelt: haha wut a moron
paTTon: wtf am i gunna do now?
Eisenhower: yah me too
T0J0: why dont u attack me o thats right u dont got no ships lololol
Eisenhower: fock u
paTTon: lemme go thru ur base commie
Stalin: go to hell lol
paTTon: fock this sh1t im goin afk
Eisenhower: yah this is gay
*Roosevelt has left the game.*
Hitler[AoE]: wtf?
Eisenhower: sh1t now we need some1 to join
*tru_m4n has joined the game.*
tru_m4n: hi all
T0J0: hey
Stalin: sup
Churchill: hi
tru_m4n: OMG OMG OMG i got all his stuff!
tru_m4n: NUKES! HOLY **** I GOT NUKES
Stalin: d00d gimmie some plz
tru_m4n: no way i only got like a couple
Stalin: omg dont be gay gimmie nuculer secrets
T0J0: wtf is nukes?
T0J0: holy ****holy****hoyl****!
*T0J0 has been eliminated.*
*The Allied team has won the game!*
Eisenhower: awesome!
Churchill: gg noobs no re
T0J0: thats bull**** u fockin suck
*T0J0 has left the game.*
*Eisenhower has left the game.*
Stalin: next game im not going to be on ur team, u guys didnt help me for ****
Churchill: wutever, we didnt need ur help neway dumbarss
tru_m4n: l8r all
benny~tow: bye
Churchill: l8r
Stalin: fock u all
tru_m4n: shut up commie lol
*tru_m4n has left the game.*
benny~tow: lololol u commie
Churchill: ROFL
Churchill: bye commie
*Churchill has left the game.*
*benny~tow has left the game.*
Stalin: i hate u all fags
*Stalin has left the game.*
paTTon: lol no1 is left
paTTon: weeeee i got a jeep
*paTTon has been eliminated.*
paTTon: o sh1t!
*paTTon has left the game.*

[Yaesu]

Newsflash! 2 heroin addicts accidently injected themselves with curry powder last night, and were rushed to hospital. One is suffering with a dodgy tikka, the other is in a Korma!

Boom Boom

Y

[SK]

:D

[Cessle]

very nice lokie :p

http://www.simon.ashexcellenteight.com/Stuff/Funny%20pics/0167.jpg

http://www.simon.ashexcellenteight.com/Stuff/Funny%20pics/0509.gif

http://www.simon.ashexcellenteight.com/Stuff/Funny%20pics/6369.jpg

http://www.simon.ashexcellenteight.com/Stuff/Funny%20pics/country_folk_technology.jpg


http://www.simon.ashexcellenteight.com/Stuff/Funny%20pics/final_001.gif

http://www.simon.ashexcellenteight.com/Stuff/Funny%20pics/male_female_shopping.gif


http://www.simon.ashexcellenteight.com/Stuff/Funny%20pics/man_and_woman_machine.jpg


http://www.simon.ashexcellenteight.com/Stuff/Funny%20pics/manwomanmachine.jpg


I have 316 of these funny pic's :D so when i get my new huge web space i will post more and upload them all for youi to look at

[BadGirlDefender]

use www.imageshack.com

if you get imageshack quickload, its even easier and neater :)

and ps, seen half of those, and got lots more....but most are at least vaguely naughty/really quite scary :p

[Cessle]

yer a few of mine (about 30) hav differnt animals doing varies things to one and other

but those are hosted of my web space so :p

[BadGirlDefender]

im gunna run a mini competition, check here (http://forums.thebanlist.com/showthread.php?p=40552#post40552) for details :)

[Cessle]

already enterd :p

[BadGirlDefender]

good for you -^

[Pippa666]

http://uk.geocities.com/helen.nicol1@btinternet.com/fagotposter.gif

[BadGirlDefender]

lolololol omgbbqfishstix thats funny!!1!!2!"!12! ROFFLES!!!""!22!2!111!

Posted By: AOL Fag Kid

[Cessle]

http://simon.ashexcellenteight.com/Stuff/random%20stuff/last%20fagotposter.gif

but you had to ruin it tho didnt you badgirl :(


actually that works really well :D

[BadGirlDefender]

how about a nice bag of dog jism?

http://img370.imageshack.us/img370/6130/dogjism4or.jpg

xD

[Cessle]

jism = ???

[BadGirlDefender]

ahem, jism=jizz=spunk=cum=semen :p

[Cessle]

ahhhhhhhh

[Pro]v[etheus]

Dig in and fill your boots, there's plenty to go round.
Straw anyone ? ;)

[BadGirlDefender]

i assume its actually dog food, but the bit about *superior raw materials* had me worried >.<

[Cessle]

naw just ur sick mind :p

[Cessle]

A man fell asleep on the beach under the midday sun and suffered a severe sunburn to his legs. He was taken to the hospital. His skin had turned a bright red and was very painful and had started to blister. Anything that touched his legs caused agony. The doctor prescribed continued intravenous feedings of water and electrolytes, a mild sedative and Viagra. Rather astounded, the nurse inquired, "But what good will Viagra do him in that condition?"
The doctor replied, "It will keep the sheets off of his legs."


a joke even i get :D

[BadGirlDefender]

xD crude, but funny :D

let me just find where i saved this, its quite lengthy, and saved to word :)

[BadGirlDefender]

ok, here goes:

The Lord of The Rings (In Leet Speak)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[At Bilbo's 111th Birthday]
Merry: "Omg, I pwn"
Pippin: "Sif, I pwn"
**Rocket goes off
Gandalf: "Pwned!"

Bilbo: "This = shiz, bai foos"
Bilbo has left the server
Frodo: "***!?"

[later, in Bag End]
Gandalf: "Give teh ringz0r to Frodo"
Bilbo: "Sif! It r precious!"
Gandalf: "STFU NOOB!!!"
Bilbo: "ok"
Gandalf has logged on as admin
Bilbo has been kicked from The Shire

**Later
Gandalf: "Show me teh ring, foo!"
**Gandalf rides out, does some research, comes back
Gandalf: "OMGZ, it R teh ring!"
Frodo: "***?"
Gandalf has logged on as admin
Frodo has been kicked from The Shire
Sam has been kicked from The Shire

[At Isengard]
Gandalf: "sup dawg, i r g4nd4lf da gr3y!"
Saruman: "Foo! U R teh noob!"
Gandalf: "***?!"
Saruman: "Sauron pwns joo!"
Gandalf: "Sif, I R leet"
**Sarumon beats the **** out of Gandalf
Saruman: "Pwned!"

[on the road to Bree]
Merry: "look foos, shrooms!"
Pippin: "Woot! Shrooms!"
Frodo: "Ph34r!"
Sam: "Shrooms!"
Frodo: "PH34R!1!1"
**black rider stops, sniffs, goes past
Frodo: "OMG, packetloss!"

[Bree, in the Inn of the Prancing Pony]
**Frodo is drinking and dancing on a table, then slips
Frodo has left the server
Frodo has connected to the server
Frodo: "OMGz, dc'd"
Aragorn: "OMG, noobz"

[at Weathertop]
Merry: "Mmm, shrooms!"
**MERRY IS BROADCASTING HIS IP ADDRESS!!!
Frodo: "Foos! Ph34r teh haxorz"

**the black riders attack
Merry: "OMG!!!"
Sam: "O.M.G!!!11"
Pippin: "***"
Frodo has left the server
**head nazgul stabs Frodo's ghost
Frodo has connected to the server
Frodo: "***... hax!"
**Aragorn lraps into the fray with a flaming brand
Aragorn: "PH34r!!!!!!"
Merry: "LOLOL flamed! "

[on the road to Rivendell]
Aragorn: "ZOMG!Arwen!"
**Arwen rides up
Aragorn: "A/S/L? Wanna net secks?"
Arwen: "Sif! *** is up with Frodo?"
Sam: "teh leet Hax0r "
Arwen: "Firewall?"

**Arwen rides off with Frodo, the nazgul give chase. Arwen crosses the ford at Rivendell.
Arwen: "PH34R!! My dad pwns urs!"
**nazgul start to cross
Arwen: "LOLOLOLO noobs!!1!"
**the ford rises up and washes the nazgul away
Warning: Connection Problems Detected
nazgul has disconnected
nazgul has disconnected
nazgul has disconnected
nazgul has disconnected
nazgul has disconnected
nazgul has disconnected
nazgul has disconnected
Arwen: "Pwnt"

[at the Council of Elrond]
Gimli: "dwarves pwn!"
Legolas: "Sif, Elves pwn!"
Boromir: "OLOLOL noobs, men pwn!"
Elrond: "STFU tards!!1!"
**Frodo puts the ring on the plinth
Gimili: "Sif ring pwns all!"
**Gimli swings his axe at it, which shatters
Elrond: "**sigh, noob"

[Frodo meets up with Bilbo]
Bilbo: "OLOL, me = 10th level thief!"
Frodo: "OMG, u r teh pwn!"
Bilbo: "Do u still have teh ringz0r?"
**Frodo shows Bilbo the One Ring
Bilbo: "OMG u tard, I want to TK you!"
Frodo: "sif!"
Bilbo: "ph34r my mithril"

[The Fellowship leaves Rivendell]
**Gandalf leads the fellowship through the mountains
Legolas: "ZOMG, leet gfx!"
Gimli: "I R dropping frames! FFS"
**There's an avalanche which threatens to knock them off the shelf
Gimli: "Gandalf, teh draw distance is too far!1!!1"
Gandalf: "**Sigh. Moria?"
Gimli votes to change map to Moria
Votes 4 of 4 required
Legolas: "lolol Gimli, time to upgrade!"

[The fellowship approaches the gates of Moria]
Gandalf: "FFS, its too hard! Anyone got a walkthrough?"
**The gates of Mordor open, but the Guardian attacks!
Frodo: "OMG! ph34r!"
Boromir: "GL HF"
Aragorn [broadsword] guardian
Legolas [arrow] guardian
Gandalf: "gg"

[The fellowship enters the mines of Moria]
Gimli: "OMG!!!! PWNED!"

**After travelling some time in the dark the Fellowship come to a chamber with a large well
Gandalf: "teh bookz0r has some clues!"
**Merry knocks a skeleton in armour down the well
Gandalf: "OMG! noob!"
Merry: "d'oh"
**The fellowship hears the ork drums
Boromir: "***?"
Aragorn: "***?"
Frodo: "..."
Gandalf: "Oh ffs >.<"
**the fellowhip shores up the doors as the orks come
Boromir: "TEAMS FFS!"
Aragorn [broadsword] ork
Gimli [axe] ork
Legolas [arrow] ork
Aragorn [broadsword] ork
Aragorn [broadsword] ork
Boromir [broadsword] ork
Gimli [axe] ork
Gimli [axe] ork
ork: "OMG! h4x!"
Gimli: "pwned"!
Legolas [arrow] ork
Legolas [arrow] ork
Legolas: "lol!!"
Boromir [broadsword] ork
Gimli [axe] ork
Gimli: "Foos!"
Legolas [arrow] ork
ork: "ffs, wallhax!"
**The cavetroll enters the chambers destroying the doors
Gandalf: "Oh ffs!"
Boromir: "Omg, its teh boss!"
Aragorn: "Sif noob, we're not at teh end yet!"
**Cavetroll slams Boromir and Aragorn out of the way, and then skewers Frodo
Sam: "OMG!"
Gandalf: "OMG!"
Aragorn: "omg, pwn!"
**Legolas jumps on the cavetroll and shoots arrows down into its head
Legolas [arrow] cavetroll
Ork: "OMG! PWNED!"
Gimli: "LOLOOLOL! noobs"
**The fellowship then runs through Moria, chased the whole way by a horde of orks
Boromir: "FFS! Teams, foos!"
**A flaming shadow starts to follow them, and the orks withdraw
Aragorn: "Now THIS is teh boss!"
Gandalf: "OMG!"
**The fellowship take to long flights of stairs that are starting to crumble and fall. Orks shoot at them with arrows.
Legolas: "LOL, noobs. Chex0r this out!1!"
Legolas [arrow] ork
Legolas [arrow] ork
ork: "AIMBOT!"
ork: "turn it off!"
Legolas: "lolol!"
**The fellowship crosses a bridge, Gandalf stops to confront the balrog
Gandalf: "joo shall not pass!"
Balrog: "***?"
Gandalf: "JOO SHALL NOT PASS!"
Balrog: "Sif, noob"
**Gandalf strikes the bridge with his staff, cracking it and causing it to break under the Balrog's weight
Balrog: "ZOMG! PWNED!"
Frodo: "OMG! Gandalf!"
**The Balrog falls and in a last act of defiance strikes out with its whip, entangling Gandalf
Gandalf: "D'oh"
Frodo: "OMG, joo foo!"
Gandalf: "fly u foos, fly!"
**Gandalf lets go and follows the Balrog into the crevass
Gandalf has left the server
Balrog has disconnected

[After escaping Moria the fellowship finds itself in Loth Lorien]
**The fellowship rests, and in the night Frodo speaks with Galadriel
Galadriel: "For a noob, u r teh leet!"
Frodo: "Sif. I don't want teh ringz0r. Do u want teh ringz0r?"
Galadriel: "******! SIF I want teh ringz0r. I have enough h4x of my own!1"

[The fellowship leaves Loth Lorien and sets out via river]
Saurman: "ph34r my army of uruk hai! Go outz0r, find teh hobbitz and pwnz0r them!"
uruk hai: "leet!"

[stopping at the banks of the river, the Fellowship sets up camp]
**Frodo goes off looking for firewood, Boromir follows and confronts him
Boromir: "Gimmie teh ringz0r so ** hax can fight teh boss!"
Frodo: "Sif, foo. Punkbuster will pwn joo!"
Boromir: "Naw, we play on non-pb servers"
Frodo: "STFU noob"
Frodo has left the server
Boromir: "***! FRODO! Bring teh ringz0r back, faghat!"

**A group of Uruk Hai encounter Boromir
Boromir: "OH FFS, TEAMS!!"
Uruk Hai [arrow] Boromir
Uruk Hai [arrow] Boromir
Uruk Hai [arrow] Boromir
Uruk Hai [arrow] Boromir
Uruk Hai [arrow] Boromir
Uruk Hai [arrow] Boromir
Uruk Hai [arrow] Boromir
Uruk Hai [arrow] Boromir
Boromir: "****ing campers"
**Aragorn comes across the battle
Aragorn: "Boromir joo noob! ***!"
Uruk Hai: "Hah, pwn!"
Aragorn [broadsword] Uruk Hai
Aragorn: "I bring joo teh pwn!"
**Aragorn goes to Boromir
Boromir: "Damn lag!"
Warning: Connection problems detected
Boromir has disconnected
Aragorn: "FFS!"

[Frodo returns to the bank of the river where he gets into a boat. Sam 'sees' him]
Sam: "Frodo! ***! Invisibility h4x!"
Frodo has connected to the server
Frodo: "Sam, STFU and FOAD!"
Sam: "Sif!"
Frodo: "Oh, ffs n00b!"

3Nd!!!!11

[Cessle]

:duh:

sorry did some one say somthing, but lol

[BadGirlDefender]

long, but worth it ;)

[Pippa666]

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"

[Cessle]

lol pippa ;)

[BadGirlDefender]

excellent xD

ok, a hunter joke:

a hunter goes to the woods, sets up with his gun, and settles down and waits.

after an hour or so, he suddenly gets surprised by a bear, who grabs him, lifts him to eye level and says "now, thats not a nice thing to do. so, to teach you a lesson, im gunna buttf*** ya"

anyway, events run their course, and the next guy, the guy heads out again with his rifle, portable hide and so on, intent on revenge.

barely 15 minutes later, the bear jumps up behind him again, sighs, and says "you didnt learn your lesson did you? well, im gunna haveta do it again" and does it again....

the next day, the hunter returns with a massive gun, flares, anti bear spray, and completely kitted out. the instant he sits down in the clearing, this voice comes out of a bush behind him...

"youre not coming back for the hunting any more, are you now? :p

[Cessle]

lol :)

[BadGirlDefender]

hmm, lotr themed joke pics of the day :)

http://img336.imageshack.us/img336/1756/lotrcatapultidea2ht.gif

http://img336.imageshack.us/img336/2935/lotrcatapult8qd.gif

[Cessle]

i ssen the 1st one bedfore but LOL

[BadGirlDefender]

theres 2 more on my hd somewhere, ill dig em out this evening :)

[Pippa666]

Q: What do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells?
A: Pregnant

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a supermarket trolley?
A: The supermarket trolley has a mind of its own

Q: Why did the blonde die in a helicopter crash?
A: She got cold and turned off the fan.

Q: Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks?
A: It takes too long to retrain them.

Q: Do you know why the blonde got fired from the M&M factory?
A: For throwing out the W's.

Q: How can you tell which blonde is the waitress?
A: She is the one with the tampon behind her ear, wondering what she did with her pencil.

[Cessle]

Q: How can you tell which blonde is the waitress?
A: She is the one with the tampon behind her ear, wondering what she did with her pencil.

classic :D


very nice pippa :D

[SK]

Q: What do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells?
A: Pregnant

The best one imo :p

[BadGirlDefender]

aaah, a brunette i take it? ;)

[Pippa666]

with silver streaks ;)

[Miz]

Grey*

BTW I love Pippa666 :D

[SK]

:eek:

[maDDin]

A blonde woman was having financial troubles so she decided to kidnap a child and demand a ransom. She went to a local park, grabbed a little boy, took him behind a tree and wrote this note. "I have kidnapped your child. I am sorry to do this but I need the money. Leave $10,000 in a plain brown bag behind the big oak tree in the park at 7 AM." Signed, "The Blonde".

She pinned the note inside the little boy's jacket and told him to go straight home. The next morning, she returned to the park to find the $10,000 in a brown bag behind the big oak tree, just as she had instructed.

Inside the bag was the following note. "Here is your money. I cannot believe that one blonde would do this to another."

[BadGirlDefender]

xD excellent

a post grad was strapped for cash, and she sent in a job application to a Tickle Me Elmo factory.

in the interview, the recruiting manager said "we4ll, youre over qualified for this post, theres nothing we could give you that would stretch you at all"

she replied "i really need the money, ill do anything" and so the manager put her on the elmo test line.

2 hours later, the supply manager came into his office with a worried look on his face. "its that new girl" he said

"whats wrong?"

"well, she left the factory to buy 3,000 marbles just now, and im rather confused" replies the supplies manager. so, they both head down to the end of the production line, and find her in a pile of marbles, and scraps of red fur....

the recruiting manager looks at her, the pairs of marbles, and starts laughing uncontrollably: "i said to give him two test tickles"

[Cessle]

sorry i dont get ur joke bad girll, but urs is good maDDin :D

[BadGirlDefender]

furry fabric....pairs of marbles.... "two test-tickles"?

[Cessle]

oh lol

[BadGirlDefender]

>.<

i give up telling jokes, unless some1 will explain them to cessle from now on :p

[Cessle]

i do get some its just i am well a bit slow in that department

[maDDin]

A girl came skipping home FROM school one day. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!"

"Very good," said her mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"

"Yes, Honey, it's because you're blonde."

The next day the girl came skipping home FROM school. "Mommy, Mommy," She yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, b, c, d, e, f, g!"

"Very good," said her mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"

"Yes, Honey, it's because you're blonde."

The next day the girl came skipping home FROM school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs.

"Very good," said her embarrassed mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?"

"No, Honey, it's because you're 25."

[Pippa666]

lol funny

[BadGirlDefender]

excellent xD

but why the capitalised FROMs?

[Cessle]

very good maDDin :D

[acehigh]

maddin that is the best joke so far

[Pro]v[etheus]

A blonde walks into a porn shop...

She asks the guy at the counter where all the vibrators are at, so he points and says, "They're on that wall over there." The blonde's like, "Oh, okay". She's looking for a little while and finally says, "I'll take the big red one".

The man at counter shakes his head. "No," he says. "Next to the fire extinguisher."

[Miz]

Larry and Scott wanted to go out drinking, but they only had £2.00 between them.
Larry said, "Hang on, I have an idea."
He went next door to the butcher's shop and spent the £2.00 on one large sausage.

Scott said, "Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all."

Larry replied, "Don't worry - just follow me."

They went into the pub where Larry immediately ordered two double shots of Jack Daniels.

Scott said, "Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money to pay for this!"

Larry replied, with a smile, "Don't worry, I have a plan."

Cheers! They downed their drinks.

Larry said "OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you get on your knees and put it in your mouth."

Said and done, the barman noticed them, he went berserk!, and threw them out.

They continued this, bar after bar, getting more and more drunk, all for free. At the tenth bar, Scott said, "Larry - I don't think I can do this anymore. My mouth is sore and my knees are killing me!"

Larry said, "How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage at the third bar!"

[Pro]v[etheus]

lmfao, that's just wrong :rofl:

[Cessle]

lol ansd roung

[BadGirlDefender]

ansd roung?

and v funny, both prom and miz :D

[maDDin]

What do you do with 365 used condomes?

- You build a tire and call it Goodyear ;)

[Cessle]

lol :D:D

[BadGirlDefender]

lols, nice :)

[acehigh]

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have
dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the
girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would
like to go out and make love for the first time.

Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so
he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The
pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy
everything there is to know about condoms and sex.

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms
hed like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy
insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather
busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girls parents house and
meets his girlfriend at the door. Oh, Im so excited for you to
meet my parents, come on in

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the
girls parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace
and bows his head.

A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his
head down.

10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend
leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, I had no idea you
were this religious.

The boy turns, and whispers back, I had no idea your father was
a pharmacist.

[Cessle]

already read that one :p

Linke (http://forums.thebanlist.com/showpost.php?p=40495&postcount=159)

but nice try :D:D:D

[maDDin]

lol. That one is funny ^^

[acehigh]

argg i did not read all the post, sorry :(

[Cessle]

sorry if the link didnt work i thort i had posted it corrected

[BadGirlDefender]

its a very old joke, just like the leaning on the intercom outsidde the girls house...still funny tho :)

[Cessle]

post it please dont think i hav seen that one :)

[BadGirlDefender]

basically, guy goes back to girls house, and hes standing outside the door, leaning on the wall, trying to talk her into letting him come in, and give him a blowie. after a while, the door suddenly opens, and the girls younger sister comes out and says "dad says either you suck im off, me suck him off, or hell come out and suck him off himself, so long as he stops leaning on the damn intercom"

:p

[Cessle]

ok :D

[acehigh]

thats also a add for mastercard

[BadGirlDefender]

yeps, mastercard stole it later :)

[SK]

basically, guy goes back to girls house, and hes standing outside the door, leaning on the wall, trying to talk her into letting him come in, and give him a blowie. after a while, the door suddenly opens, and the girls younger sister comes out and says "dad says either you suck im off, me suck him off, or hell come out and suck him off himself, so long as he stops leaning on the damn intercom"

:p

Seen that on a advert on an .avi somewhere.

[Cessle]

u got the .avi?

[SK]

Think it came through on an email. I tend to delete emails as I read them so no.

[Cessle]

bah :( anyone else got it?

[acehigh]

yeah i got it/ did have it some where

[BadGirlDefender]

ditto, its a watch and forget kinda thing :p